Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cory O'Brien

Author:Cory O'Brien
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2013-01-28T00:00:00+00:00

NOAH IS ON A BOAT

So God makes a bunch of people

they fuck up and kill each other

but then they feel bad about it

so they have, like, CRAZY makeup sex

and the next NINE THOUSAND PAGES OF THE BIBLE

(depending on how big you make the text)

are about all the babies people made

because the Bible predates condoms

and I think we should all remember this.

So everyone has a bunch of kids

but it doesn’t matter

because apparently they all suck

and God decides he’s had enough of this shit.

He’s just gonna kill everybody

kinda like that other god in that Mayan myth.

See what I mean about how all this junk starts to run together after a while?

And he totally rips off Quetzalcoatl even harder

because his method of choice for killing everyone

is a GIANT FLOOD

(P.S.:

Did you know that whenever H. P. Lovecraft uses the word “antediluvian”

what he means is “predating the biblical flood?”

Because yeah

apparently H. P. Lovecraft knows EXACTLY WHEN THIS HAPPENED.)

But God can’t just kill EVERYONE

because he put a lot of work into this whole humanity thing

so he picks the least sucky dude in the world

whose name is Noah

and he’s like “YO, NOAH!

EVERYBODY’S GOING TO DIE, EXCEPT YOU

CONGRATULATIONS.

HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

GONNA NEED YOU TO BUILD A REAL BIG BOAT, BUDDY

BUT NO FRIENDS ALLOWED ON THIS BOAT

JUST ANIMALS

SEVEN PAIRS OF EVERY KID OF ANIMAL

(unless they are really filthy in which case you can just get one pair)

’CAUSE YEAH, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ANIMALS

BUT I FORGOT TO MAKE THEM SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD BOATS

SO THAT IS YOUR JOB NOW.”

So this sounds like a lot of work to Noah

but hey, it’s better than dying

so he gets some lumber and he gets to work

and somehow he manages to pull it off in time

with all his neighbors showing up at his house and calling him an idiot all day.

Well, joke’s on them.

They all die.

But then, joke’s on Noah

because now he has to live on a boat full of nothing but animals and his wife.

Nobody wins except for God

who is playing a game called “Do Whatever the Hell I Want Because I’m God”

So anyway, the whole world stays flooded for FORTY DAYS

which is actually just Bible speak for AN ARBITRARILY LONG TIME

but Noah is patient

because, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you:

NOAH IS SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

Okay, now I’m super impressed.

This six-hundred-year-old dude managed to build a massive boat in just a couple months

AND

MORE IMPRESSIVELY

he managed to live six hundred years on Earth without committing ANY MORTAL SINS.

So anyway, the rain stops eventually

and Noah’s family and all the animals are getting pretty antsy

no pun intended

because only some of them are actually ants

but anyway, Noah’s solution is to send birds out to find land.

First he tries sending out a raven

but that’s useless.

The raven pretty much just flies back and forth a lot.

So Noah sends out a dove

and the dove fails to find land

so Noah KEEPS sending it out

until on the third try it finally brings back an olive branch

indicating that it found a tree somewhere

and this somehow became an

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