Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cory O'Brien
Author:Cory O'Brien
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2013-01-28T00:00:00+00:00
NOAH IS ON A BOAT
So God makes a bunch of people
they fuck up and kill each other
but then they feel bad about it
so they have, like, CRAZY makeup sex
and the next NINE THOUSAND PAGES OF THE BIBLE
(depending on how big you make the text)
are about all the babies people made
because the Bible predates condoms
and I think we should all remember this.
So everyone has a bunch of kids
but it doesnât matter
because apparently they all suck
and God decides heâs had enough of this shit.
Heâs just gonna kill everybody
kinda like that other god in that Mayan myth.
See what I mean about how all this junk starts to run together after a while?
And he totally rips off Quetzalcoatl even harder
because his method of choice for killing everyone
is a GIANT FLOOD
(P.S.:
Did you know that whenever H. P. Lovecraft uses the word âantediluvianâ
what he means is âpredating the biblical flood?â
Because yeah
apparently H. P. Lovecraft knows EXACTLY WHEN THIS HAPPENED.)
But God canât just kill EVERYONE
because he put a lot of work into this whole humanity thing
so he picks the least sucky dude in the world
whose name is Noah
and heâs like âYO, NOAH!
EVERYBODYâS GOING TO DIE, EXCEPT YOU
CONGRATULATIONS.
HOPE YOU DONâT HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
GONNA NEED YOU TO BUILD A REAL BIG BOAT, BUDDY
BUT NO FRIENDS ALLOWED ON THIS BOAT
JUST ANIMALS
SEVEN PAIRS OF EVERY KID OF ANIMAL
(unless they are really filthy in which case you can just get one pair)
âCAUSE YEAH, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ANIMALS
BUT I FORGOT TO MAKE THEM SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD BOATS
SO THAT IS YOUR JOB NOW.â
So this sounds like a lot of work to Noah
but hey, itâs better than dying
so he gets some lumber and he gets to work
and somehow he manages to pull it off in time
with all his neighbors showing up at his house and calling him an idiot all day.
Well, jokeâs on them.
They all die.
But then, jokeâs on Noah
because now he has to live on a boat full of nothing but animals and his wife.
Nobody wins except for God
who is playing a game called âDo Whatever the Hell I Want Because Iâm Godâ
So anyway, the whole world stays flooded for FORTY DAYS
which is actually just Bible speak for AN ARBITRARILY LONG TIME
but Noah is patient
because, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you:
NOAH IS SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD.
Okay, now Iâm super impressed.
This six-hundred-year-old dude managed to build a massive boat in just a couple months
AND
MORE IMPRESSIVELY
he managed to live six hundred years on Earth without committing ANY MORTAL SINS.
So anyway, the rain stops eventually
and Noahâs family and all the animals are getting pretty antsy
no pun intended
because only some of them are actually ants
but anyway, Noahâs solution is to send birds out to find land.
First he tries sending out a raven
but thatâs useless.
The raven pretty much just flies back and forth a lot.
So Noah sends out a dove
and the dove fails to find land
so Noah KEEPS sending it out
until on the third try it finally brings back an olive branch
indicating that it found a tree somewhere
and this somehow became an
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